I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
