Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this boner is exhausting
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize