I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
