Do you still have your period?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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