Your dad touched me again.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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