onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
