Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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