Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
