My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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