Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
