nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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