I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
