so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
