i think i scared a bird with my dick
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
