my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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