the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
MIDGETS
????
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
