Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
