Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
