the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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