we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Houston, we have a squirter
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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