I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
