You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
