The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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