wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
