Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
