I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
