i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
