I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize