this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
