How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
