there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
