I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
