My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
