I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize