I am puke
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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