So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
