Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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