So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
