My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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