If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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