Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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