Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
