that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize