True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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