Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
