Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
