I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
