How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
