I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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