Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
