Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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