Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize