I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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