I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
