I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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