mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
