i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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