Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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