One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
